Touch Me and I'll Make You a Eunuch
by ImitationPirateShip
Summary: Me? I'm in love with Captain Jack Sparrow. So guess who turns up? NORRINGTON! And then I find the Lizard chomping on my Cheerios! What kind of chaos shall I unleash? Or shall I kill The Lizard with my hands? Stay tuned!
1. Norry with Spongebob Boxers

**Hello everybody! **

**I haven't been writing for a long time, yup yup, cause I had major writer's block. And then, I had this really good idea and wrote all of this in one day - yay -**

**Hope you like it, and I gotta say, this is my fav story yet.**

Stuff that's not mine:

Numa Numa by 0-Zone

Puss in Boots from Shrek

All the Pirates from POTC - sniff -

And anything you recognize.

Enjoi

* * *

My parents have gone to the American Republic, or Puerto Rico, or China or something. Which means: YOURS TRULY HAS A GLORIOUS MONTH OF FREEDOM!

Walking down the stairs, I choked on a random puff of air, and fell on my cat, Puss in Boots, AKA Garfield, who went "YEAOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!", jumped up, scratched my face, and shot out of the cat door.

"DAMN YOU!" I screamed at him.

Garfield looked at me innocently through the glass.

"Yeah! Ooooh, burn! I just dissed you! Whacha do? Oooh, nothing, cause you're a _cat. _Which means you can't see the colors of the American Flag! Call me! Hah!"

Garfield shot me a look and started licking his butt.

"Well, that's really smart. Really _mature."_

Garfield continued licking himself.

"Idiotic cat."

After throwing a rubber ducky at Garfield, I headed into the kitchen and took out my deliciously sticky chocolate cake.

"Yum. I've ALWAYS wanted to do this."

I took a deep breath, and slammed my face into the gooey mess.

**BAMMMM****! BOOM!! **

**"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"**

"WHAT THE HELL?" My glorious moment was wasted. Whatever was upstairs, I was going to kill. Was I scared? Noooooooo. I was about to kick some ass.

Wiping my face on some paper towels, I picked up my mother's can opener and started up the stairs.

"AUGHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed a voice.

Masters. Got ya.

I quietly slid up to the master bedroom and peeked in.

A guy with messy brown hair was looking at my father's boxers. They were the ones with Spongebob on them that said, "Squishy and absorbent"

Soooooo perverted.

"WHO ARE YOU?" I screamed.

"AUGHHHHHHHH!" The guy turned around, and guess who it was? NORRINGTON!

"WHAT THE HELL? I COULD'VE HAVE GOTTEN CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW WHO I COULD HAVE MARRIED! I COULD HAVE GOTTEN MIDGET DUDE WHO I COULD HAVE BLOWN UP! I COULD HAVE GOTTEN BARBOSSA WHO I COULD HAVE THROWN OUT OF A WINDOW! I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LIZARD WHOM I COULD HAVE KILLED WITH MY BARE HANDS! WHY IS IT GOTTA BE **YOU**!!! WHAT THE BLOODY **HELL!!!!???"**

Norry looked at me.

"What?"

I closed my eyes and counted to ten.

"You. Messed. Up. My. Chocolate. Cake. Moment. Prepare to die." I advanced, shaking the can opener.

"Cake?"

"SHUT UP AND GO LICK THE LIZARD!" I screamed.

"Are these yours?" Norry asked, handing me the boxers.

"Do you **think **they're mine???"

"Uh…"

My face turned red.

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I jumped onto Norrington, jabbing him with the can opener.

"YOU SON OF A FOOSNIT! DIE!"

Norrington sucked at fist fights.

At the end, I threw a pillow at his head and knocked him out.

"BOOM WAEYDA! BOOM WAEYDA! BOOM WAEYDA! BOOM! OH BURRRRRRN NORRY! BURRRRN!"

I did a little victory dance around his head. But Norry wasn't as wimpy as he looked. Just as I was getting the Victory Dance on, he grabbed my foot and I slammed to the ground.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I yelled, practically on top on him. "GETMEOFFYOUATONCE,YOULIZARDSUCKER!" I thrashed around and regained my footing.

"Ok, I will ask you one question. If you answer rightly, you won't die. If you answer wrongly, I will throw you out of the window, savvy?"

"Are you a pirate?"

"Shut up! Ok, I will ask my question. Ready?"

Norrington nodded.

I took a deep breath. Again.

"Do you know Captain Jack Sparrow?"

Norry nodded.

"YOU DO?" I squealed, my anger forgotten. "ISN'T HE THE MOST HOTTEST PIRATE LIKE **EVER!?" **

Norry looked strangely at me.

"Wait a minute. You're supposed to be dead."

"Am I not?"

"WHAT THE HELL? YOU'RE NOT HOT ENOUGH TO USE JACKIE'S LINES!!"

"I am in Davy Jones Locker." Norrington looked away.

"Excuse me?" I put my hands on my hips. "That's for PUNISHMENT."

Norry raised his eyebrows.

"Are you saying I'm NOT in Jones' locker?"

"Well, duh, you're not a pirate. You're not **hot **enough to be one."

Norry looked murderous.

"You touch me and I will kill you like you're Elizabeth Swann." I gave him my Evil Eye.

Norry shrunk back.

"Or shall I say, Eliza_bitch_"

Norrington stood up. He was a little taller than me. He advanced.

"Elizabeth."

"Bitch" I corrected.

"You have a foul mouth, did you know that?"

"Elizabeth is a bitch, did you know that?"

"Apologize."

"No."

Norry came closer.

"Apologize. **Now."**

I leaned close to his face.

"No. Elizabeth is a bitch, and I won't apologize for it."

Norrington took out his sword.

I crossed my hands over my chest.

"No swords in the house."

Norry raised the sword to my neck.

"Well, don't say I didn't warn you."

Norry brought the sword down, but I was already behind him.

"Did you really think of killing me?" I whispered into his ear.

He turned around, but I had already grabbed his sword away and pointed it to the place that hurt.

"Norry, touch me and I'll make you a eunuch."

Norry's eyes widened, and he raised his hands.

I smiled.

"Do you know who I am, Missy?"

My smile disappeared.

"Excuse me?"

"I am Admiral Norrington."

"You're dead."

Norry slumped down.

"Yes. I am dead."

"Are you sorry for what you did, Norry?"

"I am sorry for being rude to you."

"There. Once you learn to worship me properly, I am quite fun to get along with."

I turned around and headed to my room. Norry followed.

"Miss?"

"Yup?" I turned around.

"What is your name?"

I sat down at my computer desk and opened my laptop.

"Raquelle."

"And how do you know me?"

"Everybody knows you."

"How?"

"Movie."

"Movie?"

"Yup."

I turned up the volume, and out blasted out my favorite song.

**Hello?**

Norry jumped, and his hand darted to his sword, which wasn't there, but by my leg.

**Salute. **

"Music, Norry. Music."

**It's me, your Duke."**

"Music?"

**And I made, something that's real, to show you, how, I feel. **

Norry turned red.

I smiled.

**Hello?**

**Hello?**

**It's me, Picasso**

**I will paint,**

**My words of love**

**With your name on**

**Every wall.**

**When you leave, my colors fade to gray**

**Every word of love I used to say**

**Now I paint it every day.**

"Stop it."

I pressed the 'Pause' button.

"You don't like it?"

"I do. But I heard something."

I frowned. Now he ruined my Cake moment and my SONG??????

"What the hell?"

Norry looked over at me.

"Never mind. Come on."

I picked up Norry's sword and went downstairs, Norry right behind me. We slipped into the kitchen. A familiar scrawny frame was shoving MY cheerios into her greedy mouth.

"WHAT THE HELL? THOSE ARE MY CHEERIOS!"

The Lizard turned around.

"Excuse me?"

"THE HELL WITH YOU!"

I went and grabbed the box away from her.

"James!" The Lizard got all emotion with Norry, and started hugging him and crap.

"Screw both of you."

I stalked out of the kitchen.

* * *

Hope you liked it, REVIEW! 


	2. Playboy and Golf Clubs

**AN: Sorry for the long break. I was grounded...again...**

**Credits to Star42430**

**I don't own anything you recognize.**

* * *

"Raquelle! Where are you?"

"IN HERE, YOU IMBECILE!" I yelled.

Elizabitch came in my room.

"Take one step closer and I'll kill you."

I pointed Norry's sword at the Lizard's neck.

"What did I do?"

"Shut up. What do you want?"

"I just wanted something to eat."

"Go starve yourself."

Elizabitch groaned.

"But I'm hungeryyyyyyy."

"I don't care." I went over to my laptop and pushed the lid open.

"I'm the Pirate Queen. I demand food."

"Go suck Norry."

"Ooooh, what's this?" She went over to my bookshelf and pulled out my Chester the Squirrel diary.

"That's private. And great. You touched it. I gotta burn it now."

I picked up the book with my thumb and forefinger and prodded it in her back.

"Fine. If you stay out of my way, I'll feed you."

"Oh, goody!"

Elizabitch turned on her heel and skipped out of the room singing,

"I am a teapot short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout!"

"SHUT UP ELIZABITCH!!!"

"Excuse me?"

She turned around.

"Move. Now."

"What?"

"Look, Lizard, I don't care how much Norry worships you. I'll say it straight to your face. I HATE YOU! Now MOVE!"

Lizard crossed her wimpy arms.

"You're so mean!"

"I don't care. Move or I'll throw this book at your head, and when it knocks you out, I'll put you in a box and ship you off to Madagascar."

Lizard looked horrified.

"Okay!"

I threw the book at her head anyways, but I missed.

When we got to the kitchen, Norry was looking at a Playboy magazine.

"NORRINGTON!"

Norry turned bright red and threw the magazine out the window.

I turned and stalked to the window. My eyes widened.

"EVERYBODY! DUCK!"

**CRASH!!!!!**

A blue Ferrari with black paint splattered on it crashed through the window.

"WHAT THE HELL!???"

While I was cursing at the stupid car, Star42430 emerged. She had spiky blue hair. She looked at me, then at Elizabitch, and back at me. Then guess what? She _laughed. _

"STAR! YOU KILLED MY FREAKING KITCHEN!!!"

I tried to lunge at Star, but Norrington held me back.

"LEMME GET A GO AT HER!"

"No! You mustn't fight!"

"SHUT UP ELIZABITCH!"

Star looked at me. After studying my face after all the evilness of Elizabitch and Norry, she said:

"Erm, sorry 'bout that."

My eyebrows disappeared under my bangs.

"Yeah…I just came to make sure you have all the chips and soda and random crap."

"For what?"

"For the party. I invited like the whole school, so I wanted to make sure you had everything."

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I screamed and lunged at Star, but Norry caught my leg and we crashed to the floor. Again.

**"GETOFFMEYOUEUNUCH!!!"**

Just then the blue Ferrari door opened and out stumbled a very confused Captain Jack Sparrow.

"Oy, wot's going on here?"

My eyes widened. Norry glanced at me. Star smirked. And Elizabitch goes:

"Oh Jack! What happened? I'm stuck in this horrid place with James and this Raquelle character, and it's simply horrible!"

She ran and hugged him.

I slid out of the room, ran down to the basement, and grabbed my dad's golf club. The big heavy one. Grinning I rushed back upstairs.

"Elizabeth! Where are you? I've found some pancakes I can give you!"

"Really? That's simply amazing!"

Lizard ran down to the basement, where I was waiting…..MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I raised the club high, and brung it down on her head, laughing evilly all the way...

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Grabbing her leg, I dragged her into the basement and shut her in the shower.

I ran upstairs.

"Anyways, Star, no party."

Jack looked at me and smirked.

"Party? Wot's a party?"

I smiled at him.

"It's sort of a ball, but for teenagers…with lots of rum."

"Rum?"

I nodded. "A lot of rum. "

"I like the sound of this."

I turned to Star.

"Listen, you clean up this mess, and I'll take your car and take Jack and Norry to Wal Mart."

"NO! It's my car! And why is it always Wal Mart?"

"Because you made this mess, and you WILL clean up."

" Will not!"

"Will too!"

"No!"

"Yeah!"

"I didn't think it will come to this."

Star took out….DUN DUN DUN….a PUDDING CUP!

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed and hid behind Jack.

"You're not really hiding, luv."

I peeked out from behind him.

"You hear that, Star? He called me _"luv"._"

Star rolled her eyes and advanced toward us.

"HELLOOOOO?? ANYONE HERE?"

Some kid stood in the hole where the wall used to be.

"BRANDON!" Star rushed over and gave him a hug.

"Hi, Star. What's up?"

I came out from behind Jack.

"WHAT THE HELL? OUT! THE BOTH OF YOU!"

I kicked Brandon, and was advancing toward Star when Jack and Norry grabbed me.

"LEMME GO!" I stamped on Norry's foot, and tried twisting away from Jack, but he hung on.

"SPARROW! YOU LET GO OF ME THIS INSTANT!"

Jack let go and I crashed into the fridge.

"Dammit…Star…Brandon…Get out NOW!"

I stood up and stumbled into a chair.

"Jack, come here please."

"How do you know my name?"

"'Cuz she's in _love _with you!" Said Star.

I turned bright red.

"Shut up Star! I have a boyfriend!!!"

Jack slid over to me. He gave me his brilliant smile. I like totally melted inside.

"Pity date!" Star smiled.

"SO?"

Star raised her eyebrow the way I can't.

I jumped up and stalked away to the phone.

"Wot's that?" Jack appeared behind me.

"Phone." I grumbled, dialing LTS Builders.

"Hello, LTS Builders, how may I help you?" Said I cool female voice.

"Um, hello, a car just drove into my kitchen wall."

"Oh! What is your address?"

I gave her my address, said thank you, and she said they'd be here in an hour.

"Star, stay here until the builders come, explain what happened."

"God, I hate this. Oh well, better well got something to eat."

Star came over to the fridge and opened it. While she was digging in there, Norry came over, looked over her shoulder and said:

"Marvelous, the cold air is coming from INSIDE the box. Fascinating."

I rolled my eyes for like the thousandth time that time.

"Com'on Norry, we're going to go to Wal Mart."

"Wot about me?" Jack slid up behind me.

"Fine…" I said, rolling my eyes AGAIN.

While Star was busy making a pickle and lettuce sandwich, I came over to her and grabbed her keys out of her coat pocket.

Jack made the face he did in CotBP when Cotton showed him the remainder of his tongue.

"OY!"

"AUGHHHHH!! RUN GUYS!"

Jack, being the smart pirate that he is, jumped into the car, but Norrington just stood there.

"Oy! Norrington! In here!" Jack called, beckoning from inside the car.

**WHO LET THE DOGS OUT??**

**WHO LET THE DOGS OUT??**

**WHO LET THE DOGS OUT???**

**WHO LET THE DOGS OUT????**

"AUGHHHHHHH!"

Jack tumbled from the car.

"HAHAHA!" Star stood in the living room with the boom box sound system thingy's remote control in her hand.

**OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"Oh my god!" I screamed, clapping my hands to my cheeks. "I love that song!"

So…for the rest of the song Jack, Star and I danced, and Norry curled up in the corner crying.

"Oy, Rae, where's Lizard?"

"Heh…I dunno."

Jack raised an eyebrow.

"You can't do that!" I said putting my hands on my hips.

"He can too!" Star put in.

"Yeah, well, not in the movie!" I retorted.

"Yeah!"

"No!"

"Yeah!"

"You're just mad cause Tybot is not your monkey!" I crossed my arms.

"He is too my monkey!"

"No! He's not!"

"Yeah!"

"Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

"EW! THE LIZARD LIVES!"

Elizabitch came up the stairs.

* * *

**Yeah...I know...kind of pathetic but oh well...too much going on in my life to write**

**I'll try to make the next chappie better.**


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